Word of the Day -- Paraprosdokian

Too cute not to pass along:

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø    If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø    War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an  emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

Ø    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"

Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are  sexy.

Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.

Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.